The First Mile

On Sunday I did my first mile in the local park.  I can just hear you now... "oh wow, a mile - big deal."  Okay, maybe it's not you I'm hearing - it's really me. Now that I feel better, I think I should be back to normal in all ways.  I'm not. That mile was an eye opener. Not only am I so out of shape after undergoing cancer treatments for the last 6 months, I am also becoming reacquainted with the fact that doing a mile really burns very few calories.  It takes many miles to build muscle and burn flab. Yes, I'm back to obsessing about my weight again. I must be getting back to normal.

My months of being much less active than normal have really caused some problems for me.  I have no muscle tone, yet those same muscles are so tight that the term limber describes exactly what I am not!  How can muscles be soft yet tight at the same time?  That is just not right!

I thought about my punching bag in the garage.  I think that using this to get into shape is a great idea.  Not only can I develop muscle tone again, I can get rid of some pent up frustration by beating something up.  Yes, I'm talking about the punching bag and not about some random person.  Although, I may not want you to mention that to my son.  I prefer to have him wonder if it's him I might be going to punch.  Okay - out to garage I go to start working out with the bag.

I realized there are a few things that have to happen before I can start beating up the bag.  I need to find my sparring gear.  I have two full sets of sparring gear....somewhere.  You wouldn't think it would be to hard to find them, but keep in mind I am able to lose whole vacuum cleaners for weeks at a time.  I have found one set of hand pads so at least I can start working on my punches.  Kicking will have to come later, after I find my foot pads.

Now, I'm ready to go but there are a few more minor details that need to be taken care of before I can start working with the bag in the garage.  There is a mattress set out there that needs to go to the dump.  I'm sure someone can do that for me.  Oh, and then there are the 4 or 5 old CRT monitors that are out there.  I guess they should go too. There is also an old entertainment center, a coffee table, old computers and a TV or two that need to go.  This is beginning to be a bigger project than I initially thought.

I better take a good look at what's out there standing in the way of my work out.  It's funny, I remember when cars used to be in the garage.  Now there are just lots of non-car things in there.  I see many boxes belonging to a couple of our adult kids....hmm...surely these can be moved.  I see a couple of buffet tables, many empty boxes, some chairs and an old suitcase.  Where did this stuff come from??

This has now become overwhelmingly difficult.  Maybe we should just build a new garage for my punching bag.  That may be a little extreme.

How did I end up in this predicament anyway? Oh yeah, I got cancer. That's why I'm out here trying to figure out where all this junk came from and how I can get rid of it!  If I wouldn't have gotten cancer, I wouldn't have just done that mile, which in turn let me know I have no muscle tone, which led me to think about my punching bag, which got me out in the garage.  I wonder if I can get my health insurance to pay for a garage organizer since this whole thing is directly related to my cancer treatments...hmmm....

I Don't Like Side Effects

I finished my chemo treatments several weeks ago.  I'm still experiencing the side effects.  That does not seem fair to me!  Call me naive, but I think that when I'm officially done with chemo, the side effects should be gone immediately.  Their purpose has been served and they are no longer necessary.  I'm perfectly fine not being reminded of my chemo journey.  But no - they continue to hang around like leftovers in the back of the fridge.

Okay, I'm really glad my lungs are working as expected now that those toxic chemicals are no longer being syphoned into my body.  It's good to be able to breathe.  My eyes aren't watering as much anymore and that's nice. I feel like my brain is clearing up so I don't have to wear a name tag just in case chemo-brain causes me to forget who I am.  My voice isn't as hoarse as it was a couple of weeks ago.  I'm not as exhausted as I have been.  I am very happy to be rid of these side effects.

What remains?  I have numb feet and hands.  I still don't have signs of hair regrowth on my head.  My eyebrows haven't gotten anymore "there" than they were before. I continue to suffer from Bald Eye Syndrome.  I'm still fatigued and I do have some lapses in memory. My multitasking abilities have not completely returned. Oh, and I'm still sharing my body with that darn port-a-cath (aka: Bottle Cap with Claws). Am I whining? Absolutely! I feel like I've earned the right to whine.

So, what am I doing about my numb hands and feet?  I do a lot of typing and hand massages.  This seems to work well.  My hands are much less numb then my feet.  I think I might have to practice typing with my toes just to see if I can get the feeling back in my feet.  I do take a lot of hot bubble baths because my feet feel much better after that.  The bath is for my feet...even though it is my favorite way to relax; I'm not using my feet as an excuse to take more bubble baths.  Don't look at me like that - I'm serious. The bath is for my feet!

Chemo-brain is getting better.  I play boggle on my phone to help exercise my mind and get it back in shape. Oh yes - that's part of the recovery process.  Just because I've always played games on my phone does not diminish the therapeutic benefit my mind is getting from  playing boggle on my phone. I'm getting that look again.  Trust me, the game is good for my head!

I believe that the bubble baths will also cause my hair, eyelashes & eyebrows to start growing.  I think I should take a few extra baths a week just to make sure that hair regrowth gets the support it needs.  Why do I think baths are good for regrowing hair?  Well, think about it.  We water our plants and they grow.  Just apply the same principle to hair.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to make that connection...sheesh.

What's left? Oh, I still tire easily.  I deal with this by relaxing as much as possible. I haven't had to resort to naps yet, but I'm not ruling them out. What? Just a minute, my son is saying something.  He seems to think that therapeutic relaxation is just an excuse for being lazy?!  I'm offended and will not dignify that statement with a response.

In order to work within my multitasking restrictions, I have learned to do one thing at a time and do it very slowly. This allows me to accomplish something without too many mistakes or issues.  I hear a noise...  No that is NOT the same as gold bricking! The very idea! I need to go somewhere private while I finish this - humph.

I ignore my port as much as possible.  That thing is on its way out. It will be gone on October 6th and I will be very happy to see the last of it.  There's not too much I can do about the port.  I have had to curtail exercise so as not to aggravate the port.

In order to live with the remaining chemo side effects, I have had to type on my computer a lot, take many hot bubble baths, get hand massages, practice relaxation at all times, accomplish one task a day - very slowly and not exercise.  Between all of these very difficult things, I need to fit in playing Boggle on my phone. This is a very intense recovery regimen, but I'm getting through it as best I can.  Huh?....What do you mean it sounds like I'm on vacation???

Stress

Yesterday, one of my friends asked me how I deal with stress.  I'm pretty sure she didn't ask because I'm the picture of cool, calm and collected.  She asked because there is and has been so much duress involved with having and being treated for cancer that I couldn't help but learn some coping mechanisms.  I realized that the same stress management techniques that I've learned from others and discovered on my own will work for any life issue.  How about that?  Something about this cancer stuff that is multipurpose!

So, what have I learned about stress management?

1.  I need to admit that I am stressed out.  I don't have to know exactly why I am stressed, but I have to know that I am.  Once I admit to the stress, the reason for the stress becomes apparent.  If I don't admit that I am stressed, I may go along with no idea why I feel so bad and no way to resolve it.  As soon as I feel that familiar feeling of stress building, I admit it to myself and someone that is close to me.  I admit to stress without self judgement - that part is important.

2.  I pray.  That sounds simple and it is.  Prayer prior to panic eliminates panic.  Without panic, stress has very little to hold on to.  Reading my Bible keeps me close to God and maintains my equilibrium. I will also ask my friends to pray for me.  Never underestimate the power of prayer.

3.  I use breathing exercises.  I take a slow, deep breath in through my nose. Then I slowly breathe out until I have no more air left in me.  I repeat this until calm returns.  I have found that it is not possible to remain stressed while using this breathing technique.

4.  I keep in touch with friends who understand.  I make sure that my support system is large.  I never know when I'm going to have a stress attack.  Having stress attacks is pretty normal for a cancer patient and it's also normal for people who are experiencing tough life issues.  When stress hits, I send an email, text someone or make a phone call.  I may have to try a few people before someone is available, but that's why I make sure to have a large support system.  I can say that I'm stressed out and I can say why. I try not to linger on that too long.  If there is nothing I can do about the reason for the stress, we talk about something totally unrelated.  That helps.

5.  I assign 20 minutes at a certain each day as Worry and Stress Time.  During that time each day, it is my job to worry about whatever is bothering me.  If I worry outside that designated time, I put it on my worry/stress list for attention during the Worry and Stress Time.  Okay, I admit that I am not always able to put off worrying, but that's why 1-3 are listed.

6.  I take a hot bubble bath.  My favorite way to get rid of stress is to take a hot bubble bath.  I keep cold sparkling water handy so I don't overheat.  Reading a good book while in the bath is also a great distraction.

7.  Ask a friend to stop over. Sometimes, nothing but a real live person can help with stress.  I have a number of friends who will drop what they are doing to come and visit with me until I feel ready to go on my own again.

These are a few of my stress management techniques.  Stress happens. Experiencing stress is not a weakness.  Learning to manage it can be an art.  Trying to handle it alone can be excruciating and I don't recommend it.  People need people - that's how we get through tough times.  I lean on my circle of trusted friends a lot and I hope that they will lean on me when the need arises.

Superstitious

A few days after I returned home from my April 7 surgery, I was the recipient of a huge bad luck omen.  I was standing in my master bathroom and the 8' x 4' mirror on the wall above the sinks fell.  Yep - just like that - it fell.  There was no earthquake, I didn't throw anything at it and there was no warning.  It just fell right off the wall and shattered.

It occurred to me that a mirror breaking involved something like seven years bad luck.  I considered the size of the mirror compared to an average mirror and thought that I might possibly to have garnered 168 years bad luck.  At my age, I didn't think that I had to be concerned about 110 of those years. But, given scientific advances and such, I could conceivably live for the remaining 58 bad luck years.

I looked around at the mess.  Glass shards were everywhere.  I watched as my black cat, Loki, walked into the room.  I scooped him up so he wouldn't get glass in his feet. I realized that I was holding a BLACK CAT in my arms...my black cat.  I calculated quickly.  Loki came to me when he was only four weeks old and he was nearly nine years old now.  I've been living with bad luck for almost nine years!  No wonder I had a broken mirror the size of a wall.

I mean, wasn't I pushing the envelope living with a black cat?  Now the mirror. What next? I thought about the foot I broke a few years ago.  Then I remembered the broken elbow. Did this have anything to do with my recklessness concerning my black cat?  It struck me - I was now dealing with cancer! Was Loki involved in this? If a black cat could cause broken bones and cancer, what would the mirror do???  I knew it.  I was going to die. Did I mention that having  radical hysterectomy can affect rational thought? 

While the guys cleaned up all the glass in the bathroom, I sat in the living room feeling worse and worse as the minutes went by. Was it the cat or the mirror?  Did it really matter which one it was?

I told my sister that I was in a lot of pain.  That I hadn't felt this bad earlier that day and I was sure something was dreadfully wrong with me (other than cancer and the surgery).  She asked me what time I had gotten up and dressed that morning.  I told her that I was dressed by 8:00 AM.  It was now 5:00 PM - so what?  Where was she going with this? She shook her head and said "What made you think that wearing four inch heels just a few days after major surgery was a good idea?"

I was dumbfounded! What was she talking about? What did my shoes have to do with anything? I explained that I was probably dying from black cat and broken mirror syndrome. She didn't believe me.  She had this idea that the high heels were putting undo strain on my back and on the incision I had in my abdomen.  I explained that my pants where too long so I had to wear four inch heels. She said I was stupid.  She made me take off my shoes.  I wasn't happy about that - I loved those shoes.

Shockingly, the pain started easing up. I tried to pretend that I still felt really bad.  It didn't work.  I've never been able to lie.  Okay, so the shoes caused the pain.  The mirror and my cat were innocent. Nothing else happened that day.  Sure, I've had to go through chemo and experience things that I really would have liked to skip.  But I know that mirrors break, cats are black and those two things mean nothing, but I should never wear four inch heels right after major surgery.

If I Had to Choose Only One Gadget

The first thing my husband, Scott, did after I was diagnosed with cancer was to take me to the AT&T store. That might sound a little odd - but it was really very smart. I had a Palm Treo it was red and really cute. It had a great qwerty keyboard and a touch screen. Allegedly, I could receive and send email, get phone calls, make phone calls and surf the web among other things. In reality, I could make phone calls. This phone wouldn't always ring when I got a call. If I missed a call, the phone kept that top secret information to itself. According to the voice mail screen, I always had one voice mail...no matter what...all the time. I was sick with cancer and my phone was even more sick. Scott thought I needed a dependable phone. We went and looked at the options. Okay, we looked at the options just for appearance sake. We both knew I was getting an iPhone. I got the phone, threw the Palm in a drawer and my iPhone and I became inseparable.

When I started chemo, I prepared my accessories. The treatments were hours long and I would need to occupy my time. I packed my backpack with my laptop, Kindle, iPod and of course my iPhone. I settled into the chemo chair, pulled out my laptop and discovered that there was NO WiFi ! I was locked down. I had no access to the world. What would I do? No news, no Hulu, no Amazon Unbox, no NefFlix movies online, no facebook...OH NO!!

I told myself I would be okay. I could survive this. I remembered my wonderful new iPhone. I pulled it out of my backpack and looked at it in a whole new way. My iPhone didn't need WiFi. I could read and send email on it. I could read the news, surf the web, watch movies, listen to books, I found a way out! I could listen to Pandora Radio if I wanted to. I had a facebook app, a twitter app, and games to play. If I needed a new app, it was no big deal to just go to the App Store and get whatever I needed. I could even try out a bunch of free apps as long as I was just sitting and passing time while the chemo drugs were getting pumped into my body.

The crisis passed. I became calm. I had Comm Central in my hand. I spent a lot of time on my iPhone during the many, many hours I spent in the chemo chair. I'll be honest, my iPhone wasn't the only thing I used during that time, but I stopped bringing my laptop because my iPhone became my computer/phone/entertainment device.

If I had to choose one gadget to take to chemo, I would choose my iPhone. It can do all the things that each of my other gadgets do. My Kindle is very cool - I love it. But, I have a book reader app on my iPhone that allows me to read books. My iPod holds many audio books, podcasts, movies, and music but, my iPhone can hold audio books and music. I can watch YouTube and Hulu. My iPhone is a great gadget. Oh, did I mention that I can actually make and receive phone calls?

The World Turns Upside Down Sometimes

So, here I am walking around, completely oblivious to reality and POOF! My world is upside down. I'm sure it's happened to you too...hasn't it? Please say it has, I don't want to be unique. The world-flipping event can have to do with disease, career, marriage, children or some other random thing that can't be predicted.

Honestly, I believe I've had at least one of each. When it happens, my first reaction is to be totally dumbfounded. That doesn't last too long I'm sorry to say. I always have a thought or an opinion that is dying to be released. Sometimes, what comes out is simply "I'm sad." Other times it might be something a lot more volatile. I try to keep those to myself if I can.

There is the inevitable feeling of being kicked in the stomach. The desire to sink into the floor and just vanish. I might even have the idea that I need to be put in a coma until things work themselves out. None of these things ever happen. I'm stuck in the upside down world, like it or not.

For those of you lucky ones out there that have never had their worlds turned upside down, here's an experiment for you: Find a mirror that is at least 1 ft by 1 ft in size. Hold it in your hands, mirror side up at waste level. When you look down, you should see your ceiling. Okay - got that? Now, without looking anywhere but in the mirror, start walking. Don't cheat and look at the floor or walls. Look only in the mirror at the the ceiling. You may find yourself stepping over door frames as you walk on the ceiling. You will avoid running into light fixtures. But, then suddenly you slam up against something that you don't see in the mirror. What was that?? Oh - the sofa. Walking in this way is hard. This is sort of what it's like when your world turns upside down. You think you know what you are up against, but then you don't.

What do I do when my world turns upside down? I pray. First and foremost praying is the most important part. I have to give it up to God to deal with. After that, I start contacting my support system. Friends are so helpful while I'm waiting for God to do His thing. There may be friends that are unavailable, but with a big enough system, someone will be there to talk to me. God may even use those people to help me through my upside down world.

I need to take things in very small pieces. When my world is upside down, I have to break things down into manageable bits. I can easily become overwhelmed if I don't. I deal only with those things that absolutely need my attention. I can hand off some things to friends if necessary. Other things can be put off until the world stabilizes again.

I don't isolate. I reach out. I will not huddle in a corner and lose the battle before it begins. I find positive distractions like keeping to a schedule even though I may want to just stay in bed and cover my head. Forcing normalcy provides stability and eases the pain.

Just like any other natural disaster, world-flipping events need to be prepared for. I have to have a plan ready. For me that plan looks like this:

1. Pray and give the event to God. He's much better at dealing with that kind of stuff anyway.

2. Find a friend to provide support and encouragement. Let's face it, we all need someone in our corner when the world flips on us.

3. Filter responsibilities and take on ONLY the next absolutely necessary things...one at a time. Let friends help with some things. Put off everything that can be put off - at least until equilibrium returns.

4. Distractions are good. Positive actions need to be made. Do something like meet someone for lunch. Sort out the unknown contents of the junk closet. Do something that is fun and takes your mind off the world for a little while. Read...take a brain vacation.

I don't know if anyone identifies with this - but world flipping does happen. It is totally unpleasant. It does pass...eventually.

Is It God's Work?

There is a lot of controversy surrounding the idea that prayer helps during cancer treatments. Patients who have experienced the benefits of prayer (these benefits are so varied as to make it impossible to list them) have no doubt that God and prayer play a huge part in their treatment. In an article from March 25, 2005 on MSNBC (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7293237/), a man, Andy Delbridge, who was terminally ill with a brain tumor expresses his belief in the power of prayer. He was expected to live no more than a few months following his 2002 diagnosis. I have seen other articles about Andy from 2007. One article was titled Death Defying Faith. I'm not talking about faith healing here. I'm talking about prayer.

The American Cancer Society states that "Studies have found spirituality and religion are very important to the quality of life for some people with cancer. Although available research has not supported claims that spirituality can cure cancer or any other disease, the psychological benefits of praying may include reduction of stress and anxiety, promotion of a more positive outlook, and the strengthening of the will to live." (http://www.cancer.org/docroot/ETO/content/ETO_5_3X_Spirituality_and_Prayer.asp)
Since this is my blog, I get to write about my opinion.

I am a Christian and God is my best friend. Without God, I wouldn't have made it to the hospital for the first surgery. I am a needle phobic. This is a needle filled disease. I have had nightmares about needles ever since I can remember. I will do almost anything to avoid them. When I was diagnosed, I prayed. I prayed that I would have whatever I needed to get through whatever was coming. I sort of hoped God would think that I needed to have all this just disappear - but nope, he didn't think that. I was able to get through every nightmare event, one at a time.

All my hardships have been addressed. I'm not saying that my experiences turned out to be easy. Quit the contrary. But, I had the strength and support when I needed it. God used other people to help me when I needed it. I am humbled by the number of people that have shown up to help me. It's astounding.

We attend a Grace Fellowship in Spring Hill, a church of which we are not yet members - but we will be soon. Our church took me on as what I can only describe as a dedicated project. The church prayed for me, people prayed for me each time I had to deal with needles, chemo or any other dreaded thing. They prayed during the event in my support. I received prayers and encouragement through text messages on my phone. While I was sitting in the chemo chair, I would login to facebook using my phone and find more prayers and messages. Amazing.

This church did not stop at prayer, they also helped with our physical needs. The Lawn Mafia (they can dig up, bury and eliminate like nothing I've ever seen) showed up at our house twice to deal with our neglected landscaping. It would have taken us a week to do what this group of ten people could do in just two hours.

Meals showed up at our house regularly. Everyone provided wonderful food. I am starting to wish I could subscribe to that service! Friends would show up to clean my house. Let me tell you, I had to learn to just sit there and let them work. That is really hard. I would never have guessed that it would be so difficult to just be still while people are helping me. Of course, I also had to deal with dust embarrassment, clutter fluster, and the shame of being domestically challenged. I've never been the slightest bit good at cleaning. I end up reverting to my tried and true tornado method. This involves moving stuff around and around until it finally disappears somewhere, never to be found again.

There are so many things that our church has done and continues to do for us that I can be nothing but inspired to act in kind. What an inspiration. I can't wait until I can provide a meal for someone, or participate with the Lawn Mafia, or help clean another person's house. Back to prayer.

Tamicia, the lady who accessed my port prior to each chemo session (that means she stuck a needle into the port located under my skin near my collar bone ), prayed each time I had to have that needle inserted. She was amazing!

It seems like everyone I know (and some I don't know) is praying for me. One particular friend and I have been out of touch for 13 years. He called one day before surgery and we talked for a couple of hours about everything and nothing. So many people, so many prayers. My friends and family have been there every step of the way. When I was at the end of myself, they took over and I got through it. Again - prayer.

So, what do I think about prayer and cancer? For me, prayer is the most important element in my cancer treatment. Without it, I wouldn't have the strength to even start the treatment. The hardest part has been to remember to pray for God's will and not that He remove my problems (although it wouldn't hurt my feelings if he did that - hint, hint). I'm still here because of my prayers and the prayers of others. Fear is a great motivator - but in my case it would have motivated me to turn down treatment. As it is, I knew people were praying for me. I was praying for me. My family prayed. My husband was there during the treatments and was praying. The strength showed up. I have come this far. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Pain Management - It's all in the Footwork

Right now Scott (you remember him from the penny incident I wrote about yesterday) and I are on our way home from the beach. He's driving and I'm working on my laptop. I thought I'd mention that Scott was driving just in case anyone thinks I'm actually trying to multitask driving and typing.

Leaving the beach is a little painful. I'm going to miss waking up to the sound of the waves, being able to walk on the beach anytime I want to and basically being able to do nothing. The pain is bittersweet because I'm glad I came and I'm also glad to be going home. I can manage this pain - it's not too difficult. I just remind myself that I have had a great vacation and then get on with it. Managing the pain the occurs due to cancer treatment is trickier.

My cancer treatment began with a radical hysterectomy on April 7, 2009. I didn't have much time to prepare for the surgery. I was diagnosed on a Friday and was in the operating room the following Tuesday. Prior to the surgery, I was terrified of prescription pain medicine. I didn't take it...ever...for any reason. I didn't take it after the extraction of wisdom teeth, broken bones or for any other reason. After my surgery I woke up to find myself with a morphine dispenser hooked up to my IV. YIKES!!

I realized that the morphine wouldn't leave the dispenser unless I pressed a button, so I didn't press the button. Scott was appalled by my refusal to press the morphine button and took it upon himself to press it for me every ten minutes. I remember voicing my displeasure...he didn't listen...the next couple of days are a haze in my memory.

This initial experience in pain management involved Scott's footwork - literally. He walked from his bed in my hospital room, around my bed to the button and pushed. He did this day and night without fail every ten minutes. That's dedication. I found out later that I was supposed to have the pain medicine so that my body would have a chance to start healing. It would have been helpful for me to know that ahead of time.

After surgery, I followed the pain medicine instructions to the letter. I wanted my body to be able to heal. I was going to give it the best chance possible; besides, it really hurt! My sister, Rocky, arrived to help me after surgery. My daughter, Jess was there much of the time as well. They and my husband did the footwork for this phase of the treatment. They kept track of my meds, gave me what I needed when I needed it, and basically let rest.

In May, chemo started. This added a whole new dimension to pain management. I received an immune booster shot after each two-day treatment. This shot caused joint and muscle pain like I've never felt before. Wow - that was hard. I did the first two shots without any assistance from pain medicine. During the third two-day chemo treatment, Scott told me to ask my nurse about pain medicine. She was ready with a prescription. I was ready to use it!

As far as the surgery was concerned, I felt great. I had no more pain in my abdomen. I thought I weathered that pretty well. Then a new chemo side effect reared it's ugly head. The area around my incision became swollen and painful. I experienced quite a bit of pain in my abdomen. What the heck was this?? I called my nurse and she explained that after enough chemo was introduced into my body, the drugs started attacking the areas that were healing from the hysterectomy. She told me that as long as the incision did not turn red and I wasn't running a fever, I shouldn't worry about it. Great. More pain medicine.

I did a little footwork and decided to have a little footwork done. I'm talking about reflexology. I thought that this form of pain management might be beneficial. I was sick of medicine and wanted to manage the pain without the use of pain meds; at least as much as possible.

I sent an email to Debbie, a massage therapist friend of mine. I knew she practiced reflexology - she had worked on my feet years ago. I made an appointment with her at Knead for Wholeness, her place of business in Smyrna (http://www.kneadforwholeness.net/).

The thought behind reflexology is that there are "reflex" areas on our feet that affect areas and organs in our body. I just know that after Debbie worked on my feet, the pain I experienced diminished significantly. Of course, the pain doesn't stay gone forever. It does come back after a time. I feel that, if I were able to have Debbie do reflexology on my feet daily, the pain would take much longer to return.

I found a pair of reflexology socks and gave Scott some footwork to do. Reflexology socks have the reflex areas printed on the bottom of each sock. I put them on and he can massage the appropriate spots on my feet to assist in pain management. This is nice - but I recommend using a licensed reflexologist like my friend Debbie.

To sum it up, you just have to do the footwork when trying to manage the pain involved in cancer treatments.

1. Take your meds as prescribed.

2. Ask for assistance when the pain is too much. Don't try to tough it out - this method puts unnecessary stress on the body.

3. Contact a licensed massage therapist for therapeutic massages and reflexology treatments. Even if I didn't have any pain, I would still consider these a treat!

Pain doesn't have to be so much of a pain if you do the footwork.

Going to the Spa is a Need Not a Want

Yesterday, I went to the spa to have a spa manicure at Bliss in Panama City. I've done this once before at A Better You Day Spa in Chattanooga. I'm not exactly comfortable going to day spas. I feel like I should know what to do - but I really just feel like a spa Neanderthal. I just know that everyone there is looking at me with pity and probably some amusement. I'm not sure when to sit, where to sit, which hand to offer first, how to keep from grabbing my hand back when the cuticle scissors shows up (my needle phobia extends to any sharp metal object near my skin), or how much I should tip the person working on my hands. It's all so complicated.

You might wonder why I'm going to the spa if it's such a trial for me. Visits to the spa are needs not wants when you're a chemo patient. No, this is not a bogus smoke and mirrors effort to rationalize day spa visits. Chemo drugs cause neuropathy, most commonly, in hands and feet. I don't like neuropathy in my hands and feet, therefore I have one more reason to not like chemo drugs. Back to the manicure. Spa manicures include two hand massages per visit. I found that this helps to temporarily alleviate numbness in my fingers and hands.

A spa manicure may also involve a hand paraffin bath. This is a wonderful experience. The day spa in Chattanooga included a paraffin bath in my spa manicure. It made my hands feel so good that I bought a paraffin bath for my personal use. I use the paraffin bath regularly and it helps with the pain and tingling that goes along with the neuropathy. I purchased a Homedics brand paraffin bath from Amazon for about $40.00 and it has been working fine for my home use.

Yesterday's spa visit was a little different. My friend, Eliza, gave me a Bliss gift card for my birthday. This was more than just thoughtful. She knew I would be in Panama City Beach following my last chemo treatment, so she located a spa here so I would be able to visit it on my chemo recovery vacation. That was way beyond cool. My husband, Scott, came with me on this visit. That was interesting.

Prior to my spa visit, we discovered that there was a penny stuck in the power outlet in our SUV. We discovered this because our phone chargers weren't working. Dead cell phones are cause for extreme stress that may include, but not limited to, hyperventilating, texting withdrawal symptoms, iPhone app store separation anxiety and missed phone calls. It was bad. What would we do?!

We stopped at Hobby Lobby on the way to the spa. We picked up metal glue and pencils, thinking we would put glue on the pencil and adhere it to the penny, allowing us to draw the penny out. I went into the spa and Scott worked on the penny.

I was in the middle of my manicure when Scott entered the spa exuding an air of frustration. He said he was unable to extricate the penny from the power outlet. I suggested turning the SUV upside down and shaking it - that should get the penny out. Apparently, he didn't hear me because I got no response. The guys working in the spa became interested in our problem, as did one of the other customers and his wife.

Pretty soon all attention was on my husband and the penny dilemma. He told them the story of the penny in the outlet. The attempts to get it out and the failure of each one. Before too long, the other customer was out helping Scott try to get that penny out of the outlet. I think he probably voided the benefits of his manicure for his efforts. He didn't seem to mind and neither did the penny, which was still firmly stuck in the outlet.

It was time for me to pick out the nail polish I wanted. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I naturally reach for neon purple, but draw back as I remember that I might want to stay with a "normal" color since this is going to be a professional polish application. After much indecision, I chose red. Okay - I know that lacks imagination, but it matches my toe nails. I'm on the beach and I really don't want to look at my toes and see them mismatching my fingers.

I received two hand massages during my visit and my fingers were feeling pretty good. I was sitting at the nail dryer waiting for the eight minutes to pass while my nails dried. My husband was back in the spa discussing options with the guy at the reception desk. When the nail drying time expired, I got up to leave. Instead of hearing "Thanks for coming" as I left the spa, I heard "Hey, I hope you get that penny out."

My husband brought a whole new perspective to visiting the spa. I climbed into the SUV with polished nails, hands that were much less numb than when I arrived, and a penny still stuck in the power outlet. Two out of three aint bad.

Neurapathy doesn't feel good. There are varying degrees of neurapathy. I didn't experience numbness until my third chemo treatment. The severity became greater with each passing treatment. Here is what I do to deal with the neurapthy:

1 Go to the day spa and get a spa manicure that includes hand massages.

2. Use my paraffin bath regularly.

3. Be grateful for neurapthy when I pick up a hot dish without using pot holders.

4. I hold my hands in front of the water jets in my jacuzzi bathtub. If I didn't have my jacuzzi tub, I would buy the Conair Massaging Jet Foot Spa for about $44.00, and put my hands in it.

5. Give myself short hand massages throughout the day.

There are so many things to deal with when undergoing chemotherapy treatments. It helps to find find even the smallest relief from some of them.

Hair Regrowth Friday & Nausea: That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Hair Loss Thursday is over - thank heaven. Today, I no longer have that one last eyelash on my right eye. My remaining eyebrows are barely discernible. But - today is a new day and it's Hair Regrowth Friday!!!

Have you ever tried to watch grass grow, flowers bloom, or wait for a customer service person to take your call when you're in the queue? If you have done any of those things, you can understand my impatience with Hair Regrowth Friday. I know it's happening. I knew I wouldn't actually see any difference. I really want to see a difference. I just have to remind myself that hair is more than skin deep. I can take consolation from the idea that the hair is growing...it just has to start out of sight under my skin. So...I will have this genderless look for awhile longer.

Well, this is a less-than-productive topic, but I don't want to let Hair Regrowth Friday pass by without recognition.

On to Nausea.

My first chemo treatment was highly educational. The chemo nurse suggested that I bring lunch to my chemo treatment because of the length of the treatment. I did some research and learned that foods eaten during chemo treatments can later cause the patient to become nauseous. For this reason, it is suggested that patients should never eat a favorite food during treatment. I chose to bring a turkey sandwich because I didn't care if I developed an aversion to turkey. I was about as ready as I could be.

Anxiety. Stress. Terror. The feeling of being trapped in my own body. These are feelings I experienced after being diagnosed. They became much more intense after I found out I would be undergoing chemotherapy. Did I mention that I'm a needle phobic? Yeah, that really added to the anxiety factor. My anxiety level was so high I was nauseous nearly all the time.

The day before chemo, I was nearly of my mind. It was pretty rough. My friend, Mary, showed up at my door with a care package that contained gluten free oatmeal peanut butter cookies. Though I appreciated the gesture, I was so nervous I couldn't even think about eating them. I put a few in my lunch container for the following day.

Chemo day. It dawned bright and sunny. I was dark and gloomy. I had all the prescribed meds. I was supposed to take one of three Emend pills prescribed for each day of treatment. We were on our way. I was so nervous I considered asking my husband to pull over so I could throw up. I took the Emend. Within ten minutes the nausea abated. Amazing. I felt very anxious but not nauseous. The pill must be magic!

I did eat my lunch during the treatment. I won't bore you with the chemo details and I'll skip right to the drive home. I was nauseous. I took a Phenergan pill. I was still nauseous. I tried to think of something else...anything else. Still nauseous. I found one of my oatmeal peanut butter cookies and nervously munched on it. I was less nauseous. Weird....a cookie that could be considered an anti-nausea cookie? I ate more of the cookie. Less nausea. A miracle!

I kept those cookies by my bed. I stashed some near my recliner. I carried them from room to room. My friend had provided the perfect anti-nausea solution! It was also a great excuse to eat cookies.

My friend made cookies for me prior to every chemo treatment. I started sharing my cookies with the other ladies in the chemo room. Those cookies eased nausea for everyone who tried them. I began to be known as the cookie lady. I was asked for the recipe. The cookies were a total hit.

Oh, and how did my chemo lunch go? I can still eat turkey without a problem. I can't eat bread anymore. That's right - it was the bread that got me. I can't even picture bread in my mind without feeling nauseous! Who would have guessed? I stopped bringing lunch to chemo beginning with the second day of the treatment. I loaded up on the cookies and kept my nausea at bay. Today, I don't eat bread and I hold a resentment toward turkey for coming out of this unscathed.

For those of you who want a pleasant anti-nausea solution, try the recipe below. My friend was generous enough to share her recipe.

Gluten Free Oatmeal Cookies - Great Anti-Nausea Aide

Ingredients:
1/2 C Brown Sugar
1/2 C Sugar
1/2 t baking soda
1 egg
1/4 C butter
1/2 C peanut butter
2 C Oats

Mix sugars, baking soda, butter, egg and peanut butter. Fold in Oats. Put on parchment paper on baking pan by rounded teaspoons."X" with wet fork. Bake 10-12 minutes at 350.

---not gluten free unless you use GF oats and can eat GF oats--

So, here you have it - cookie consumption validated for it's medicinal qualities!

The Last Hair Loss Thursday

Hair Loss Thursday is not a fun day. And no, it's not the day that Brit shaved her head. Hair Loss Thursday is the second Thursday after chemo. I've had one Hair Loss Thursday for each of my six chemo treatments...today being the sixth and final one.

The first Hair Loss Thursday, which took place fifteen days after my first chemo treatment, put me on the path to my current light bulb-like look. It was not in the least bit interesting to lose my hair. I was forewarned that it would happen. I knew it was coming. Four days before my hair loss began, my scalp hurt. I'm not talking a little hurt here. This was significant sleep stealing pain. I had thick hair...lots of hairs. I believe that the pain was caused by each hair digging up it's root as it prepared to abandon me.

Some women are striking without hair. Remember when Sigourney Weaver went bald for Alien 3? Demi Moore shaved her head in GI Jane. Sinead O'Connor chose the sans hair look for....ah...well, some random reason. These women were the topic of conversation during their own bald phases. They were interesting. They were brave, edgy, and even gorgeous (well, maybe not Sinead). I, on the other hand, am simply bald. I have yet to find a comforting upside to this unwanted condition.

I have leaned a few things since I lost my hair. It takes a lot less time to take a shower now that I don't have hair down to my waist. My ears are much bigger than I imagined. Wigs are hot. I look much better with short, straight hair. stubble on my head is totally not cool. I have a great shaped skull - but I really didn't need to know this. I look like a chemo patient - oh yeah, that's right, I am a chemo patient. Lastly, I have no desire to be seen without hair. I'm not that secure.

Each Hair Loss Thursday caused some type of hair loss. Now, all but one eyelash has been lost. Most of my eyebrows have disappeared. It's amazing how reptilian I look to myself when I look in the mirror and see no hair, eyelashes or eyebrows. I have to admit I would fit perfectly in a Star Wars movie. I'm not sure what's going to go missing today; possibly my remaining eyebrows. We shall see.

Today is significant because tomorrow is Hair Regrowth Friday!! I know I won't see any new hair growing tomorrow, but it will be happening. Starting tomorrow, normalacy will start to return. I can start thinking about shampoo, conditioner, hair salons, flat irons, and hair styles. Hooray!!

Here are some things to keep in mind if you find yourself in a hair loss situation:

1. Be proactive. Buy wigs before your hair falls out.

2. If your hair is long, have it cut short as soon as possible. This puts you in control. I called on on one of my best friends to cut my hair short...twice. She has been an amazing help to me. On my first Hair Loss Thursday, she told me to put on my wig so that the loose hair would be contained in the wig and not fall all over the place. She is a genius.

3. When you put on your make-up without hair, don't worry if you look overly made up. You will look fine when the wig goes on.

4. Air conditioning blowing on a bald head at night is very uncomfortable. It may be necessary to wear a bed cap.

5. Bed caps can cause headaches.

6. If you open the oven with a synthetic wig on, the wig can melt.

7. Wigs with extremely long hair are impossible to brush out.

8. Hold on to your hair if you are riding in a fast boat.

9. Use barrettes when wearing a wig. It makes the wig look more realistic.

10. Short haired wigs are much easier to wear and care for.

11. The wig may have to be taken in, by stitching some of the fabric tighter, if it is too big for your head.

12. When your hair starts falling out, shaving it off is the easiest thing to do. Don't shave the hair all the way to the scalp; leave just a little to avoid ingrown hairs.

13. Keep your sense of humor. This too shall pass.

One Eyelash

So, I've been off my blog for months. I started blogging about my 50th birthday, which was not something that I was looking forward to. I was derailed in my irreverent meanderings by a cancer diagnosis. My last blog was April 2, 2009 and my diagnosis was on April 3, 2009. I've had a lot of experiences since then.

What about my 50th birthday party? It was awesome. The party was held in the Clubroom on the top floor of the Viridian in Nashville. What a party. Turning 50 was actually fun. To get an idea of the atmosphere, here's a short video:

Now on to eyelashes...or should I say the lack thereof???

I have one eyelash. It's on my right eye. I can see it if I use a magnifying mirror. It's not like I have one special eyelash among the many on my eyes - I have only one eyelash in existence. To be blunt, I have Bald Eye Syndrome. (I have no eyelashes of my own in the video above)

Bald Eye Syndrome is caused by chemotherapy treatments. Not all chemo drugs cause Bald Eye Syndrome. Taxol does cause hair loss. Taxol was one of the drugs I received in my chemo treatments and since eyelashes are hair, I lost all of them but one. Not everyone loses their eyelashes. I was hoping to get through it with only the thinning of my eyelashes. No such luck...I lost the last of my eyelashes on Hair Loss Thursday after my 4th chemo treatment. (I'll talk more about Hair Loss Thursday in a future blog)

Losing eyelashes is a strange experience. The first thing that happens is that I started to notice that my mascara just didn't seem to be doing a good job anymore. I noticed that after the 3rd Hair Loss Thursday. At first I didn't understand...but it didn't take long to realize that chemo was taking my eyelashes from me.

I didn't know how bad the Bald Eye Syndrome would get for me, so I got some false eyelashes and made an appointment at a day spa to learn how to put on false eyelashes. I ordered top and bottom eyelashes from headcovers.com. Headcovers was the only place I could find false bottom lashes. That was important to me at the time. At A Better You day spa in Chattanooga, TN (http://www.abetteryouspasalon.com/), Lori taught me how to apply false eyelashes - both top and bottom. Let me tell you, that was not easy!

If I were to do it over again, I wouldn't have been as concerned about the lower lashes. I have never used the lower lashes during the time I have had Bald Eye Syndrome. As long as I have eyeliner on, the missing lower lashes aren't noticeable. I have a few tips for those that are facing Bald Eye Syndrome:

Learn how to put on eyeliner, if you don't already know how. Use liquid eyeliner that is waterproof (your eyes may water a lot). Eyeliner alone helps camouflage the fact that the eyelashes are gone. Use eyeliner on both upper and lower lids.

If you have never used false eyelashes, go to a day spa and let someone there teach you how to do it.

Use false eyelashes on special occasions, it will make you feel more like a normal person. I have found that Fashion Lashes (109 or 110) work great. You can find these at Target for $3.99.

Put on eyeshadow and eyeliner prior to applying eyelashes. The eyeliner will provide a guide when putting on the eyelashes.

When your eyelashes are gone, you will notice that the part of your lid that used to produce eyelashes is now very obvious. Applying eyeliner to the bottom inner part of your upper eye lid will make this less noticeable.

Use a magnifying mirror to apply liner and the eyelashes. It's very easy to run the eyeliner brush off your lid and into your eye now that there are no eyelashes to act as a barrier.

Be dramatic. Use make-up to let your eyes shine!

If you are facing chemo and the possibility of losing your eyelashes, remember - it's only temporary and there's no guarantee that you will experience Bald Eye Syndrome. Everyone is different.

Shea Butter in the Raw and Random Observations

If you've read any of my earlier blogs, you'll know that I'm experimenting with unrefined Shea butter. I've been using it on my face to see if I can firm it up. I was originally considering using Bondo (I'm not kidding) but thought I'd give raw Shea butter a try first.

After about a week I have to admit I didn't notice a thing. Then after a few weeks I started to notice that my skin looked...well...younger. I'm almost afraid to write that because I might jinx the whole thing. I thought maybe it was my imagination, but then someone asked me what kind of makeup I was using because my skin looked fantastic! Wow - that was a boost!

I'm going to give it a couple more weeks and then if things keep improving, I think I'll put it out as one of my products on my site.

Another self improvement project is now on it's way. I had my Invisalign braces fitted a week ago. I was disappointed that my mouth didn't get sore. I was kind of counting on this braces thing to be big boost to my weight loss quest. I called my orthodontist and she told me not to worry, my mouth will probably be sore when I get my next aligner trays in. The good news is that I don't snack anymore. It's just not worth the time and effort of taking out the braces, eating , and then brushing my teeth, brushing my aligners and then putting them in again. So, even though there's no pain there is still some gain. I think I can recommend Invisalign braces as a good way to straighten teeth AND assist with weight loss. I'm always looking out for that weight loss advantage.

Speaking of weight loss advantages, going wheat free is another weight loss advantage. Did you know that eating refined white flour causes elevated insulin levels, which in turn require extra fat?! Michael Lesser, M.D suggests that getting rid of white rice, white flour and sugar will not only keep your blood sugar levels at their appropriate levels, but will also keep you mentally healthier. He also suggests that our diet can help us overcome chronic fatigue, depression, OCD, anxiety and anger, among other things. Interesting concept.

In my experience, consuming wheat is pretty much the same thing as flipping on a psycho switch. It also makes me feel bad physically. I love wheat bread, pasta, and other wheat foods, but not enough to risk the consequences of eating them. The funny thing is, I would have never associated all the random symptoms with a wheat intolerance. It was only after working with my nutritionist that she identified the problem.

I had to have a filling replaced a couple of days ago. Those who know me, know that I have IV sedation for every dental event. This time, it was so easy that I thought I'd spend the rest of the day shopping. I always have post sedation shopping urges, but typically I'm too tired to do much more than take a look at Amazon. This time, I felt well enough to actually visit stores! I purchased four pair of high tops in various funky colors. I usually wear pretty outlandish colors, but now that I'm supposed to be mature, I wonder if I can still do that. Yes, of course I can - the worst that can happen is that I embarrass everyone with me - oh well! I did restrain myself when I found the neon pink and black checkered pumps. I would have gotten them if I hadn't already bought the other four pair of shoes.

I also found a great bag made by KidRobot. It's really too cool for words. There are several "charms" that clip to a ring on the outside. One of them is a pink bunny with a cigarette dangling from it's mouth. Now, who could pass that up?

So basically, I've been buying inappropriate shoes, bags and have some questionable ulterior motives when it comes to straightening my teeth. I guess I could learn to be a bit more mature, but is it really possible???? I promise I'll be more interesting next time .

Me, Barbie & Rock n' Roll

I remember when I first found out that I had something in common with Barbie and Rock n' Roll. I was in Springfield, IL during state fair time and had tickets to the 30th Anniversary of Rock n' Roll. Coincidentally the fair took place during the same month as my 30th birthday. It was during that concert that there was mention of Barbie turning 30 that year as well. Great - me Barbie and Rock n' Roll. Funny how I'm the only one that actually looks older!

Let's take a good look at Barbie, who is also turning 50 this year. Do you see anything on her that would give away her age? Nope - not a thing. No crows feet, no labial lines, and no frown lines. I won't even talk about weight gain! Does that seem fair to you? Have you seen the 50th anniversary doll? She looks much better than she did when she was 20. There's just something wrong with this picture! Barbie should be aging like the rest of us. She should have a daughter that looks better than she does and AARP should be harassing Barbie with invitations to join just like they do to the rest of us. Barbie just looks better all the time.

Now, let's move on to Rock n' Roll. I'm still hearing songs on the radio that were new when I was 15! Heck, the Stones are still alive - who would've guessed that? Rock n' Roll is turning 50 this year and is none the worse for it. The bands and singers may be getting older, but the songs live on and on. I am now hearing some songs that have been released for the third or fourth time and have to listen to younger people exclaim over the "new song that's out." Ugh.

How much fun can it be to turn 50 during the same year that an unchanging icon and a classic genre turn 50? I'm feeling a little overshadowed right now. So as long as I'm experiencing my own insignificance, let's see who else will be 50 this year:
Bryan Adams (still touring)
Appolonia (you remember her with Prince, right?)
Tom Arnold (I thought he was older than that!)
Linda Blair (forever the girl in the Exorcist)
Danny Bonaduce (come on get happy)
Marc DeBarge (gosh, I forgot all about that band)
Sheena Easton (haven't heard anything from her for awhile)
Joe Elliot (Def Leopard is touring with Poison and Cheap Trick this year)
Fabio (you must remember him)
Jessica Hahn (has it really been 29 years since that scandal?)
Magic Johnson (also a long time since that shocking announcement)
Lorrie Morgan (I think she's had her share of ups and downs)
Marie Osmond (getting better all the time),
Mackenzie Phillips (is she in or out of rehab now?)
Paula Poundstone (standing up all over the country)
Debbie Rowe (Michael Jackson has an ex-wife - bizarre!)
Sade (Smooth Operator is piped into elevators across the country)
Richi Sambora (heading for the Song Writer's Hall of Fame on June 18, 2009)
Bryan Setzer (one of my favorite guitar players)
Randy Travis (saw him on TV the other night - first time in a long time)
Tracey Ullman (have you seen her Renee Zellweger imitation?)
Johnny Whitaker (how many of us are old enough to remember Family Affair?)
Kevin Spacey (another favorite - remember the Garden of Good and Evil?)

This is a small list. I'm not alone in turning 50 and not everyone is famous. Just looking at all the people that are turning 50 this year makes me feel less like an oddity. Sure, I could have it better - but I could sure have it worse. Turning 50 isn't easy, but then what is? At least I've got lots of company.

Antioxidants, Fruits & Vegetables

I've been trying to make sure I take supplements and eat foods that contain antioxidants. I have no idea why I am doing that. I've been sort of pretending I have a reason for taking them, but really, I just know that antioxidants are spoken of in a positive sense and so I figured I should probably have them.

My nutritionist talks about consuming foods that have antioxidants. Blueberries show up in this list. Grapes, cocoa and teas also are on the antioxidant list. I look at that list and think, hmmm...grapes and cocoa = wine and chocolate. I can do that! She didn't mean wine and chocolate.

She meant fruits and vegetables. To be specific, two servings of fruits and three servings of vegetables a day. She wanted me to eat that. You would think that being a vegetarian, that wouldn't be too hard. Think again. I can't just pick any old vegetable and call it a serving. Nope. It has to be a non-starchy vegetable. A serving is half a cup of whatever vegetable that is on the acceptable vegetable list. Oh, and I need to make sure that I eat vegetables that have different colors. Great, vegetable diversity. This is hard.

I have to buy groceries now. I don't usually do that with any regularity. We don't have any kids left at home to complain that there's nothing to eat, so I only go when I absolutely have to. I thought, heck - I'll just have a salad. That works, but it can't be iceberg lettuce. My nutritionist says there are no real nutrients in iceberg lettuce, my salads need to be made of dark green leaves, like arugula and romaine and adding spinach is a good idea as well. Oh. Hmmmm... I guess I'm going to the grocery store.

I discovered that eating healthy requires many trips to the grocery store. It makes me wonder if the grocery chains have contributed to nutritional research. A container of dark leaf lettuce will last through approximately four salads. That means I can't even get through a week without having to go to the grocery store at least twice. It's not like I can stock up either. Salad makings spoil rather quickly and do you know what happens when you try to freeze lettuce?! Don't ask - you don't want to know what it's like after it thaws.

I went at it scientifically. If I eat two salads a day, then that's fourteen salads. A container will make four salads so I will need to go to the store every other day to get salad. Every other day!!?? What if I just eat three and a half containers of salad on Sunday and just get it over with for the week? Okay - so that's not a good idea.

I decided to think about that one later. What if I have a different color vegetable each day and just eat three servings of it at once? I could open a can of carrots and eat the whole can. Poof! Vegetable requirement filled for the day at only 60 calories (yes, a can of carrots is only 20 calories a serving). That didn't go over well either. My plate is supposed to display vegetable diversity.

Why am I supposed to be eating vegetables again? I get all caught up in how to eat the vegetables that I can't remember why I'm supposed to eat them. Oh yes, now I remember. I'm supposed to eat them because they contain antioxidants. I don't know why I need those - but I do. I decided to to some more research.

There is a battle going on my body similar to the one that is going on in my head concerning aging. Antioxidants help prevent cellular damage caused by free radicals. Free radicals? I am now picturing little Stalins and Lenins and possibly a Sean Penn or two, scrambling all through my body being destructive. As we age, we need to consume more antioxidants to combat the increasing damage done by free radicals. New recruits to neutralize the free radicals and protect cellular democracy!

So where did these free radicals come from? We create them! One of their main functions is food digestion. You can imagine the damage those free radicals can do if they start working their digestive energy on our body's own cells! When this happens, free radicals turn into a hostile force and promote disease and speed aging. Large numbers of free radicals can be produced when our bodies are exposed to any number of things like exhaust, cigarette smoke, X-rays, the sun, and pure oxygen (yep - it's not all about pollutants). Antioxidants are our body's protectors against hostile free radicals. So basically, I'm a walking battle field!

Okay - my nutritionist was right and wasn't just thinking up ways to torture me. I still don't want to go to the grocery store every other day. But if I tell myself that the grocery store trips keep me from aging as quickly, I might go a couple of times a day!

Blueberries vs. Botox

I was curious about aging. Not that I want to know how to do it - I really want to learn how NOT to do it. I came across an article titled "Aging Gracefully and Naturally." (If you want to read it go here: http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/features/aging-gracefully-naturally) I was pretty sure this was going to be about accepting yourself as you are and being the best person you can be [yawn]. I found the article on WebMD so I figured it had at least some credibility. The article didn't say anything about acceptance or being your best self. What it did was discuss the option of blueberries instead of Botox! What??

The article said that the large number of antioxidants found in blueberries can save cells from premature aging and could compete with Botox. That's nice - but can I get rid of frown lines by rubbing a blueberry over them? I noticed that there was no mention of getting rid of existing lines; just preventing lines. Still, this is good information. I am considering eating five or ten pounds of blueberries a day to save my cells from premature aging. I want to know how the blueberries decide if I'm succumbing to premature aging or if I'm just plain old!

There was also some mention of blueberry extract and improved short term memory, balance and coordination, and possible cancer prevention. Of course, the beneficiaries of these wonderful side effects are rats. Still, I know that, at times, I've been perceived as a bit of a rat so maybe it would work for me.

One of the most interesting things in the article was the mention of Botox parties. I may lead a sheltered life - but really - Botox parties? Somehow, I just can't conceive of getting all dressed up to go out for the evening and instead of a wonderful dinner at a nice restaurant, I get needles in my face. This is entertainment? I realize that I'm probably the last to know about these parties, but it makes me think that the next thing you know, we'll be having group pelvic exams - Yikes!

I followed the Botox party idea and found an article on howcast.com titled How to Host a Botox Party (http://www.howcast.com/guides/1210-How-To-Host-a-Botox-Party). In 10 easy steps you too can host a Botox party! Step 1 states that you need to have a board-certified plastic surgeon or dermatologist at your party. This one just brings to mind disturbing images starring Party Doctors competing for the next gig. Can you imagine hiring doctors the way you hire clowns for childrens parties or that male stripper for your friend's fourtieth surprise birthday bash? This troubles me. Back to the party. As I read the article, I discovered that if you put on a Botox party, you are actually committing to two parties. The second party is the post procedure follow-up. Am I the only one that doesn't quite get this?

I noticed that when I entered "botox party" in the Google search field, an ad showed up that I considered to be a little deceptive. It said 100 Units for $129. This gets attention because botox costs an average of $12 - $14 a unit. Since the search word I used was Botox, I automatically assumed that the ad was for Botox. Not so. This is a do-it-yourself kit that provides you with 100 units of Wrinkle Freeze, instructions and a "teeny little needle." This causes me much greater concern than the Botox parties. I asked my doctor about Botox and he said that there are places that sell "bootleg botox." He explained that most of the adverse side effects that we hear about come from people who are being treated with less than the real thing. He added that if it doesn't say Botox®, then, it's NOT Botox. I think I just found one of those "less than the real thing" products. The company claims that their products are "(...) real, pharmacuetical grade treatment solutions." Hmmm...real treatment solutions for what? I wonder. I followed the link to the customer forum. Here, the people are all calling the solution Botox. It appears that they believe they are using the real thing. Can you say SCAM?

Back to the Blueberries. I don't think I'll be able to search out any bootleg blueberry distributers. Even if blueberries don't get rid of the lines between my eyebrows, they still taste good and might just give the rest of me a few extra years. I really could use improved coordination, I've been a bit of a klutz most of my life. Improved memory would be nice too. Would I pick blueberries over Botox? Probably not. By the time I eat enough blueberries (or enough blueberry extract) to counter premature aging, I'll be in the mature aging category and the offer will be void.

You Get What You Pay For...sort of

All my life I've wanted straight hair. The kind that doesn't look like a tumble weed, or like the hair old barbie dolls get when they've been buried in the toy box for 10 years. When ceramic flat irons came out a few years ago, a friend said I should try one - it worked great for her. Well, I had never seen her hair anything but straight so I was sceptical. I told her that my hair would fight every attempt at straightening. Not only that, but the stylists I consulted all agreed that any attempt at straightening would utterly destroy my hair. To seal the conversation, I proclaimed that my once-a-year trip to the salon, where I sat for three hours while a very patient stylist blow dried my hair (mostly) straight, was really more than I had time for. Come to think of it, my once-a-year trip hadn't been taken for a couple of years, so I must be really busy!

A few months ago, I gave in and tried a flat iron. I was wandering around in a store that was closing and saw a flat iron that looked relatively harmless. It was a Remington and had ceramic plates with Teflon material over the top of those. Surely, they wouldn't damage my hair too much, I thought to myself. It was only $45.00 I could afford to experiment at that price. I bought it.

That day, I tried it for the first time. After washing my hair, I had to dry my hair completely and that took about 2 hours. Then I had to straighten sections of hair until I had all my hair relatively straight. That took about an hour. After that, I had to return to the spots that decided to curl after I had ironed them - another 15 minutes went buy. So, I spent a little more time at it than I would have at a salon - but I could do it myself.

I felt like a new person! No longer trapped by unruly curls and Big Hair Syndrome, I felt like life was good again. Wow, what an experience. For the first time in my life I looked in the mirror and saw sleek sophisticated hair. No more wild child look. It was fantastic.

The next day, I realized that I could go to sleep without braiding my hair and still wake up with almost no tangles! That was a surprise benefit. I wanted my hair straight ALL the time. After about a week, I noticed that the ends of my hair didn't look quite right when I just let it dry naturally. The curls weren't there and the last 3 inches of my hair looked a little like straw! Oh NO! I had ruined my hair. Those hair stylists were right after all! What had I done?!

I couldn't just give up on my wonderful straight hair. But I was going to have to exercise some restraint. There had to be a way I could have straight hair sometimes without ruining my hair. I should have purchased the best iron the first time. I immediately went to Amazon and checked on the prices of CHI irons. I had looked at them before - but they were so expensive. Just my luck, I found a 2" iron on sale from $175.00 down to $95.00 with free shipping. What a deal. I ordered it. Then, I went to a local beauty supply and found hair dryer that had all the options: Nano-Silver, Ionic Generator, Negative Ion Technology, Ceramic plus Tourmaline, Removable air intake grill, 1875 watts, Ceramic Heater, Ergonomic Design, Quiet Motor, Extremely Lightweight, Three temperature settings and Two speed settings. In addition, it came in a great color! I put it in the cart. I also picked up hair restorative shampoo and conditioner, leave-in treatment for curly hair, a spray to protect my hair while using the flat iron, CHI conditioning spray (to match the new iron), a protein conditioner for EXTREMELY damaged hair and a package of mints at the counter.

While I was checking out, I felt the need to explain that I had damaged my hair. The lady at the checkout gave me a look. I guess I didn't need to explain myself, because every single item I put on the counter had to do with hair repair. I felt like I was too incompetent to have hair. Now, my hair had to be rehabilitated. I had to admit that I was powerless over my flat iron and my hair had become unmanageable. The shame of it all. Somehow I would manage to repair my hair so I could continue to straighten it. There had to be a way!

I used every product faithfully. I checked the ends of my hair daily and couldn't see any improvement. I was traumatized. I couldn't cut three inches off my hair! It would take 6 years to grow it back! Maybe I overlooked some sign of improvement. Frustration set in. At this point my straight hair experiment cost approximately $300.00 (even at sale prices) with about $150.00 of that spent on hair repair products. All I could see were my damaged ends .

One day I looked at the bottle of olive oil in my pantry. I thought about the oil and how good it tastes and how good it is for me. Hmmm...good for the inside - good for the outside. Why not?! I saturated my hair with olive oil. It took about half a cup. Then I ran a nice hot bubble bath, dropped in a lavender bath tea and let the aroma of the lavender tea ease my hair stress. I soaked for about an hour. After that, I decided to leave the oil in for another 30 minutes.

I jumped in the shower and washed my hair. The difference was really amazing. The olive oil made my hair softer and the ends looked great! I wouldn't have to find a 12 step group to deal with my flat iron obsession after all. I had discovered a way to use the iron while saving the ends of my hair.

I still use the spray to protect my hair from the heat of the flat iron. I don't straighten my hair as often as I would like. But, I think about that $150.00 I spent on hair repair products and compare it to the fifty cents worth of olive oil that actually did the trick and I really wonder. Did I get what I paid for? Sort of. It took $150.00 for me to get frustrated enough to try the olive oil. If the expensive products would have worked better, I would still be spending a huge amount of money on hair care products. As it is, I use fifty cents of olive oil every few weeks. If I look at it that way, I'm actually saving about $60.00 a month on the products I'm not buying. Hmm...I wonder if I could save even more money by not buying something else...

The Guest List

Back to the big birthday party. My husband and daughter are planning the event. I am hearing things like: "Is Union Station the only place you want the party?" and "What about something higher?" Higher?? I'm scared of heights - what could they possibly be thinking? I am now imagining a bungee jumping party or possibly parachuting. But then, they did ask if I wanted the event to be formal...so surely we wouldn't be bungee jumping in cocktail gowns - would we?

I had to come up with a guest list. You would think that after this many years a guest list would be a simple task. One of my requirements is that only people that like me are going to be invited. This party is NOT a politically correct party. I am not going to "put on a good face" and invite someone who doesn't like me just because it's the right thing to do. Unfortunately, that made the guest list task a bit harder. I had to think of people that actually like me!

This brings me to a topic that baffles most people. How do we know when people really like us and are not just being polite?

Well, I wanted to know the answer so I did what most people do...I went to Google. I entered the following phrase "ways to tell if people really like you." When I saw what was in the results list, I began to wonder if this was a good question.

Result 1: Ten ways to tell if someone is lying to you. I took that to mean that if people like you they won 't lie to you. At least not too much - I mean, there is that "do I look fat" question that no one in their right mind is going to answer truthfully.

Result 2: If you are thinking about suicide. I'd like to think that if people really like you they are going to disuade you from suicide. But, on the other hand, someone who really likes you may want you to have what you really want and help you out with that suicide thing. Hmmm....???

Result 3: Top 10 ways to tell if you spend too much time on video games. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that if you are wondering about your time with video games, you don't have time for friends anyway so it doesn't matter if people really like you.

Result 4: Stuff white people like. I am not kidding! This is an actual web site! From this I learned that if you are a moleskin notebook, white people will really like you. What is that all about???

Result 5: WikiAnswers - How can you tell if someone really likes you... Here I learned that if you don't have sex with someone for two weeks, you'll find out if they really like you. Well, I've been not having sex with all of my friends as long as I've known them - so does that mean I'll have to have sex with them and then stop to find out if they are really my friends? PASS.

Result 6: Amazon.com: How can you tell if you are really in love? That's a little too much for my question. Next.

Result 7: 10 Ways to tell if you should be self employed. Maybe this is something that goes along with the question, "Do my employers really like me?" If the answer is no - guess what? Interesting, but not the topic I'm looking for.

Result 8: Seven ways to tell if you're boring someone. This one works for me. If I can't tell that I am boring someone, then they must really like me. I'm sure it's very difficult to look and act interested while I'm talking. This one gets a thumbs up!

Result 9: 10 Ways to tell if you can afford it. I don't know...if I have to buy my friends, I think they don't have any incentive to really like me. On the other hand, buying friends guarrantees that, for the duration of the money, those friends are going to be really, really nice to you. Nope - toss that one out too.

Result 10: 10 Ways to tell if you are a Perfectionist. I have a feeling that when you discover you are a perfectionist, you will also realize that there aren't any people worthy of being your friend, so there's no sense in worrying about it anyway.

So, my research reveals to me that I won't know if someone likes me or not. The best way for me to determine if people really like me is to know if I really like them. If I do, odds are good that they like me too.

Fruit & Nuts

Okay, so things are changing again. Not only have I removed all animal proteins from my diet (with the exception of sushi) and tried to eliminate high acid foods, I am now discovering that I may need to eliminate wheat. I Googled some symptoms I was experiencing; the main one being bloating. I found a common thread - wheat.

One source stated that after the age of 40, our digestive systems aren't strong enough to fully digest wheat. I'm not sure I agree with that. Unfortunately, I am experiencing symptoms that cause me to be suspicious of foods containing wheat. Lately, if something can go wrong it will go wrong!

Now, I'm conducting an experiment. I am temporarily removing food that contains wheat from my diet. Do you have any idea how many foods contain wheat?? LOTS! There's pasta, bread, pretzels, cereals, salad dressings, soups, pancakes, waffles, couscous, gravy, miso, muesli, pita bread, semolina, etc... The number of excluded foods in my diet is now higher than the national deficit.

It's been a couple of days and I can already feel the improvement. I'm not sure if that's good news or bad news. The good news is I feel better. The bad news is that I don't have too much left that I can eat.

I thought I'd make the best of it and go to the healthy grocery store (as opposed to the regular grocery store) to buy some gluten free bread. Hah! The store that proclaims organic and healthy has nothing but wheat bread. How disappointing. I bought a pound of unsalted walnuts and left.

For lunch today I had a quarter cup of walnuts and an apple. Oh joy. On the bright side, a quarter cup of walnuts gives me 90% of the omega-3's I need for the day. Walnuts are supposed to be helpful in lowering cholesterol, lowering blood pressure, and they contain a very high concentration of antioxidants. There are so many health benefits associated with walnuts that I can't even list them all. If you are interested, take a look at this article: http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=99. The way it sounds, walnuts are the next best thing to sliced bread...which is a good thing. I can use walnuts as a bread replacement since bread isn't in the list of foods that I can eat!

I'm down to fruit and nuts. Sounds more like my mental state than a food plan . I thought only forest creatures survived on fruit and nuts! There is a site called the Fruit & Nut Research and Information Center for UCDavis http://fruitsandnuts.ucdavis.edu/. There's no restaurant guide. Very disappointing.

We are dining out tonight. Have you ever tried to order from a menu while avoiding, meat, cheese, dairy, wheat, and some other hostile foods? It ain't easy!

Great Expectations

When I was in my late thirties, I decided that I was old enough to stop wasting time on things that I didn't like, or that had a negative effect on me. I think that was a pretty good philosophy, even if I couldn't follow it perfectly. Now, I am experiencing a conundrum. I am causing a negative effect on me! I can choose to remove myself from people, places and things but I can't figure out how to remove me from me!

Much of the time, I am consumed by one personal disaster or another. It's my weight, face melt, joint problems, or something that I haven't thought of yet. You can see how catastrophic these things are - right? I remember a few weeks ago, there was one night that I couldn't find anything wrong with myself. It made me very paranoid because I thought that I had either missed something or was in total denial.

So, now I'm trying to think up positive affirmations that I can use to rescue me from myself. The first one I think of is "It could be worse." As I think about that, I realize that this is a phrase that could become a self fulfilling prophesy. I don't think I'll use that one.

Then there's "You can't be twenty forever." That's true - but that doesn't make me feel better.

I think I have one that I can work with, "Christie Brinkley has lots of money and lots of time and her looks are her career. You can't possibly expect to look like her at fifty-something on your income!" Now, that helps! This puts it in perspective for me. Few people can afford to spend the amount of time and money required to maintain stunning looks at any age.

"Remember what Jamie Lee Curtis said." This one really helps - she was quoted in an article in MORE magazine that it took a team of people to make her look good and that it was unfair for a typical woman to think that it was just natural. Aha! Here's someone who I should probably use as a model - sort of. We are about the same age and she readily admits that she, along with most women have image issues and those issues grow larger with age! An exerpt can be viewed here: http://www.more.com/more-women/celebrities/jamie-lee-curtis-true-thighs/) and here is another more recent article: http://www.more.com/more-women/celebrities/jamie-lee-curtis-on-growing-older-wiser/.

So the moral is: Do the best with what I have and when I start freaking out - 1) re-read the Jaimie Lee Curtis articles 2) step away from my reflection 3) don't look for the most perfect woman in sight just so I can feel inadequate 4) believe my husband when he says I look great (even if I know he doesn't know what he's talking about) and 5) quit thinking about it!

I can have great expectations, but the reality is that I will probably not work out 3 hours a day, I won't always consume only the foods that are best for me, I will have really bad hair days, the lines on my forehead are not going to just disappear and it really could be worse. When I raise the bar so high it's in the stratosphere, I'm definitely not going to reach it - but then, no one could.

I need to remind myself that I'm just an average woman (okay - I've got a few obsessive quirks) and this is really no big deal! Hmmmm. Keep repeating that over and over.... "it's no big deal...it's no big deal...it's no big deal... Hey! Where are my ruby slippers?!

Melting - Not Something I Want to do Right Now

I think faces melt as we age. I'm not sure why this is, but at some point I noticed that my skin looks like it's going to slide off my face. I look in the mirror and see it happening! When I tell my husband about it, he reminds me that I have distorted vision. I think he is just not paying close enough attention.

Now I'm on a mission to find something that will firm up my skin. I create natural skin products, so surely I can find something that firms skin! I found an article that claimed that raw shea butter firms skin (http://www.thehealthyvillage.com/beauty-care/skin-care/africas-miracle-plant-the-untold-story-of-raw-shea.html). So I bought 150 pounds of raw, unrefined shea butter. Do you know how heavy all that shea butter is? Fifty pounds of it came in a shell thing called a gourd or calabash. This stuff is seriously raw. I wonder if it's enough to make my skin firm. Gee, could this be another obsession sprouting?

I've been thinking about how much better I would look if only I could pull the skin on my jaw tighter, lift the skin on my cheek bones, get rid of the lines on my forehead, and somehow straighten my hair! Well, I have the hair part covered, I got a 2" Chi flat iron and problem is solved. The rest of it isn't so easy.

After a little more consideration, it occurred to me that I am AGING!! Oh NO! Okay, so here's where the 150 pounds of raw shea butter comes in. I'm not going to have cosmetic surgery....yet. I really hate sharp metal objects, but I'm afraid that if this face melt gets bad enough, I may put myself in a position to have to face that fear. Vanity is a tough task master [sigh] . So, my thought is that I'm going to do my best to protect me from my vain self. I have decided to conduct a test using raw shea butter. For the next 30 days, I'm going to use raw shea butter on my face each night. After 30 days, if the skin on my face has become more firm, I'll be adding raw unrefined shea butter to my product list! If not, I'll probably just have really soft skin on my face.

My husband never fails to remind me that as people get older they change, they look different, and they show their age. Well, DUH! I don't want to do that! How hard is that to understand?

I also try to take really good care of all the rest of my skin. I use this African black soap that is natural and made of shea butter. Interestingly, it's very brown and when I use it, it looks like I am putting foaming mud on my skin. My skin is very dry and sometimes it itches so bad that I will scratch my legs until they bleed. Since I have been using the African black soap, the itching and dryness has gotten so much better. It took about a month of using it before I could see and feel the improvement. Now, I carry it as one on of the products available through TRC.

So, back to the current battle which is the battle against face melt. The next 30 days will tell if I've found a way to stop and possibly reverse the melt. I wonder if raw shea butter does anything for weight management...hmmm.....